Remembering Cheryl

It's taken me a while to write anything. Right after Christmas, I lost my sister, Cheryl, to what probably was a heart attack during her sleep. I honestly haven't been able to write because I didn't want to feel. I talked briefly to Cheryl a couple of days before Christmas and offered her a bunch of excuses why I hadn't been down to Suwannee to see her or why I hadn't gotten her a Christmas gift. She laughed hoarsely (she was a smoker)and said, "You're a new grandmother... I understand."

I'm driven. I've always tried to be the best....the best student, the best worker, the best mom but I wasn't the best sister. After work, I generally fall into my chair and put my feet up on the ottoman and die a mental death by watching reality television. Because I call people all day and talk on the telephone incessantly, it's been too much trouble to give either of my sisters a call. I kept saying---I'll go spend some time with her when I retire or I'll send a card (it came back.) I kept thinking,...when I have time, I'll........

We don't have any more time.

Cheryl, here are the things I would say if I had the time:

You were the meanest and the kindest big sister. Only you will understand that.

I forgive you for all the times you drove by Ritchie's house and blew the horn while I cowered in my seat. I forgive you for the police visiting our house and almost issuing a stalking ticket to me(a seventh grader in 1961). It certainly dampened that crush.

I forgive you for teasing me relentlessly. Perhaps you'll forgive me for surprising you when you walked in the door (as a 11th grader) and found me holding a butterknife to my abdomen with ketchup smeared everywhere. It was payback and your scream reinforced my resolve.

Thank you for pitching in and helping with Susannah's wedding when I was losing my head. Thank you for buying such generous gifts for her when it probably meant you went without.

Thank you for taking care of Daddy all those years. Although we tried to make up for it by paying you, we took advantage of you.

Thank you for going with me to try to intervene and try to get our oldest sister, Beverly, into rehab when we knew it was all for naught.

Thank you for helping me understand that having friends and support is more important than having wealth. Your friends loved you and showed up in force at your memorial.

I always loved you and I'll repeat what I told you the last time we talked, "I'm glad you're my sister."